Oh how I would have loved to have been there to witness this meeting of minds. The great statesman, hero to a generation, promoter of civil rights, pushing for expansion at the very frontiers of freedom. And Nelson Mandela.

Who's the king now, Kong? Who's the daddy?

In the spirit of shameless self-promotion as made possible by the internet it is my pleasure to direct you towards CookieSounds. Admittedly I didn't have a clue what MySpace was until a few weeks ago. In fact, I'm still not entirely up-to-speed as you'll surely notice when you see how little content is on my page. I am aware that Rupert Murdoch has bought myspace so that he can market directly to tomorrow's consumers but I'm just in it for the free storage. Besides, why should teenagers with their incomprehensible mix of street slang and net jockey talk (I don't know what it is either) have all the fun/hog all the bandwidth?
Anyway, you'll find a couple of instrumental tracks on there for your downloading pleasure from your humble author. There will be more to follow. Very much a DIY, punk rock ethic but without the spitting. Or the punk rock. Or the excitement but I'll work on all of that. Everthing you hear (should you so choose) is strictly one-take stuff completely made up on the spot. If I build an international fan base of impressionable and wealthy music fans, all the better (I understand that people can ask to be your friend and link to the page etc: sorry, I'm not hiring at the moment, although this is flexible...)

That's the plug over with. Thanks for tuning in.

Another image courtesy of Carl. Me as Hellraiser? Those days are long gone I'm afraid. There will be no souls torn apart, at least not on my shift.

Look out for this book in all good bookstores. And probably a few bad ones as well. Sorry, scratch that: it doesn't exist.

Another day on the job hunting trail characterized by the usual early morning enthusiasm souring into a despondency that has come to define Monday mornings. Still, plenty to be cheerful about as Badman (his choice of monicker) finally makes his presence felt online with some of his Photoshop madness. As with previous entries (see Spoofworld) it appears I am on the wrong end of some of these questionable artworks but in my opinion all publicity is good publicity. For now. I won't be spouting my knowledge of libel laws and stifling their creative urges anytime soon (unless I run out of funds and can't pay the rent. Watch this space...). I can hardly claim to have much of a reputation to damage anyway.

On that note, I hope you enjoy their efforts.
Some may claim that this is a fair representation of how I would look if I grew my hair. I would respond that, as a teenager, I did indeed grow my hair and it looked nothing like that. Those same claims-makers would then start looking for evidence from 'back-in-the-day' and until they unearth it I am sticking to my story.

Another one from Spoofworld. Yes, another plug. All sponsorship gladly received.

A certain Mr Carl Rogers has finally spilled some of the questionable contents of his brain on to the worldwide web for all to see. Stare blankly into the face of madness with a visit to SPOOFWORLD. See for yourself. I am displaying one of his images to prove my utter lack of vanity as well as to demonstrate his Jedi-like grasp of Photoshop. Hopefully he will pay me to say the last bit.

In my never ending quest to bring you the funniest material I feel I must recommend Holy Moly. Lots of rage and very funny with it. That's the spirit. In fact, I find it strangely inspirational, so much that I am considering starting a new blog filled with swearing. As we all know, swearing IS big AND clever. I'll keep you posted.

Meanwhile, in order that this page holds you gaze for more than ten seconds, allow me to reproduce/copy and paste some of their stuff here:

Subway staff
When I ask for a Sub of the Day with everything on it, that's because it is what I want. So why oh why, every time, do we have to play 20 fucking questions, do I want this on it, do I want that on it, do I want to pay even more money and turn it into a "meal"? Oh and just remember, you are only making a fucking sandwich, don't make out you are performing some fantastic supercool skill that took years to master with that smug "look at me" expression on your ugly spotty face. You look like a twat you sandwich-making-can't-get-a-better-job CUNT.

I have to go along with that one. I haven't been able to eat one of those soggy sarnies since the girl behind the counter with the monumental attitude problem picked her nose WHILE WEARING THE PLASTIC 'HYGIENIC' GLOVES. I ask you.

Colin Montgomery's Ex-Wife
Let's get this straight. This cunt sees her future hubbie playing golf, winning pots of money and living a jet-set lifestyle. She thinks: "I'll have some of that." Marries him. Then, after spending fuckloads of his money, which he earned from playing golf, decides to divorce him because he was, in her words: "obsessed with golf." Didn't complain about all the fucking money his "obsession" brought in. He's a fucking professional golfer, you stupid cunt. Of course he's going to be obsessed with golf.

Go on, dive in.

Today I'd like to direct you to Mediawatchwatch which will be useful to anyone out there who doesn't know what to make of the whole 'Danish cartoons depicting some bloke with a beard and a turban in compromising positions (or something) which upset a bunch of fanatics gentle followers of Islam' debate. If you want my take on it (and let's face it: that's what you get here) the argument goes something like this: my invisible man in the sky is better that your invisible man in the sky. It's the the religious incarnation of two bald men fighting over a comb, although I may come to regret this statement when a) I find myself at the gates of heaven (or the equivalent) and I'm not on the list, or b) an angry protest gathers outside BloodyGravity Towers with placards calling for my immediate butchering (presumably halal).

From mediawatchwatch:

A couple of questions for the Danish imams who kicked up all the fuss, and for the Saudis who made it go global:
- Have your actions improved the image of Islam worldwide, or tarnished it?
- As a result of your actions, are there now fewer disrespectful images of your prophet in the world, or more?

Answers to the usual address.

There's sense out there if you want to look. Back to 'my invisible man in the sky is better than yours' debate. Here's an interesting view (full text here):

We’re just as touchy, claim Springer campaigners

The anti Jerry Springer: The Opera campaign turned out in force last night at Birmingham’s Hippodrome. About 60 tambourine bashing leafleters turned up - twice the number that attended the opening in Plymouth.

Inevitable comparisons with Muslim toon rage arose. Nigel Powell, of Hurst Green Family Church in Halesowen, said:

It is the same sort of thing - the Muslims are offended by what was in the Danish newspaper and we are deeply offended by what is taking place here.

“One of the Muslim spokesmen actually made a comment that they were the only religion in the world left that really cares about their God - they said even Christians are happy to let the Life of Brian and Jerry Springer - the Opera take place without any protest. Well we do care and there has been a lot of protests. We love Jesus with a passion and we find this deeply offensive.

This “loving” of semi-mythical dead prophets “with a passion” does seem to cause a few problems, doesn’t it?

It gets better. It would seem that if you've got enough righteous anger in you, it matters not one bit which side of the religious divide you park your bum on. I am sure there is a massive contradiction here but it is all so bewildering. You want evidence? I'll leave you with this short quote from a piece on the Muslim Council of Britain website (full text here should you really want it)

Last night on the BBC Newsnight programme, Mr Stephen Green of "Christian Voice", who had earlier led the campaign against the staging of "Jerry Springer the Opera", supported the cartoons by arguing that Islam is different. As he puts it, "Christians do not blow up bombs on the London Underground". I urge Mr Green to reflect on the fact that as a Muslim who loves and respects Jesus (on whom be peace) I was also deeply offended by the clips I saw of theJerry Springer show, and the fact that a devout Christian like Mr Bush had invaded Muslim countries and probably caused the deaths of 150,000 Muslims in less than five years did not prevent me from writing a strong letter of protest against that opera.

I don't know about you but I don't think 'strong letters of protest' compare with convicted crack dealers dressing up as suicide bombers. I guess I should be careful though: I'm no Christian sympathiser and I'm starting to worry that they may be orchestrating a campaign to leaflet me to death.

Highlight below to read:
Do you think you’re some kind of fucking Renaissance man just because you’ve got a few ostensibly creative applications and a shitload of money to spend on hi-tech gadgetry? Do you have any idea how many other fuckheads all over the world are, right this very minute, using precisely the same technology to produce precisely the same pedestrian results as you? Why don’t you just take all your software, all your gadgets, all your pointless, overpriced digital fuckery-foo and hurl the lot of it into the fucking sea? You’re using it to churn out shit. Get a fucking grip. You’re a cunt; you always HAVE been a cunt; you always WILL be a cunt - a useless, artless, soulless, worthless, hateful, sickening, handful-of-your-own-shit cunt-chewing cunt-eyed cunt. And your lazy, delusional stabs at creativity aren’t fooling anyone, so stop trying, Prick. The Kilroy team would like to speak to you. Call now on 07922 23591.

Three years of patchy posting to this here blog and a theme is finally emerging. Hurrah! It seems I spend far too much time trawling the internet for things to make me smile. By this I mean comedy in all its rich and varied forms, not what ever you were thinking. When I find them I often end up sticking them in the links list here, mainly so I can find them again. Yeah, I know you have favourites lists for that sort of thing but you've got to keep them organized. This smacks of effort. This way, you all get to enjoy this stuff too without having to look any further. Who knows, I may even get round to applying a little quality control in the way of brief reviews. I know funny when I see it, dammit. Perhaps I'll even make a start on that sitcom/sketch show/comedy crocheting of my own.

In the light of this, you'll see the links on the left start to expand. Sure, there's still a few things in there that don't seem to fit. I refer you to my earlier comments if this is a problem.

In addition to this mini-manifesto, if you will, I also intend to post my own observations should I experience anything amusing in the real world. First, though, I must expose myself to this real world (not in that way unless things get desperate). This is something I have largely avoided in recent weeks.

Keep it foolish...

I can hear it now... "You're not going to get a top drawer CV out to potential employers by playing with Photoshop all day, are you?"

Perhaps not. But it'll be fun trying.

Enough messing around already. In case anybody is interested here's a couple of reviews of the new Richard Ashcroft album (the website is one of those annoying affairs where everything is coming soon...). Both make for mildly amusing reading. I still like the album all the same.

Independent Friday January 20, 2006
Guardian Friday January 20, 2006

This looks like a good feature on the same subject. I'll read that now.

There you go. All comments are valued, as always.

Now that I am the proud owner of a motorized vehicle I guess it's time to learn a little about how to look after the damn thing. This, I have discovered, involves more than emptying the ashtray, kicking the tyres to see if they are squashy and having a quick look to make sure all the panels are stuck to the body in the right places.

All about podcasts.

Today we have something educational. No, don't run away. It's The Most Popular Myths In Science. Mostly interesting, although I never believed for a moment that 'Animals can predict natural disasters'. See what you think.

Spoof signs that are good for a laugh. Here.

A slight departure from the norm today as I am on a one-man campaign to cripple an insurance company that recently stung me. I will endevour, as always, to avoid swearing on this page although it's proving a tough task where these fools are concerned. Sorry, I meant fuckers.

Here's a little sample of what I sent them today:

By now I am sure you are aware that I am less than overwhelmed by the service provided by your company. The above does not even take into account the discrepancy between the quote I believed I was accepting and that which was printed on the credit agreement. Nor will I waste my time by describing to you the rude and superior attitude I experienced when dealing with the automatons manning your call centre. Needless to say I will watch my bank account carefully over the coming days to determine how much of my deposit you feel inclined to return to me, taking into account further levies of which I am currently unaware.

Having said that if I can dissuade at least one person from using your services in the future then this £40 ‘administration’ fee will not have been wasted.

I know this is not up to my usual exciting standardsn but I am doing this for you, my beloved readers. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to buy insurance of any kind from Quinn Direct. If you heed this then this will have all been worthwhile. They're based in Ireland, by the way. Just so you know there was a point to the picture above (with thanks to TV GoHome).

And the winner is...

On a more relevant note...

By Guardian Unlimited / UK news 01:01pm

Any smoker intent on quitting on New Year’s Day should think again, writes Hélène Mulholland. Don’t take it from me but heed the words issued by Ash, the lobby group set up to stop everyone from lighting up. It doesn’t appear to be a case of paradoxical intervention either. They remind us that New Year can be stressful and so why stop then?

Frankly, they may be on to something. New Year’s Eve is going to be a chokefest of fags and booze followed by a big comedown the next morning in which you’ll have time to ruminate at your leisure on to what degree you pretty much wasted most of last year. You know for a fact you’ve wasted more than enough money on tobacco to fund a first-class round-the-world air ticket - both ways. And did you really do all those things you said you were going to do last year? Hands up who scored 10 out of 10? Those that didn’t even set targets so could not possibly have failed put your hands back down.

It's New Year's Eve!

Up at the crack of noon and what better way to start the day than with a cold beer, cooked breakfast and a leisurely trawl through the archives of Satire Wire? I can't name one off the top of my head so I'll stick to what I know.

Here's a little of what they have (or had as it's not updated any longer) to offer:

85 Percent of Nation's 2.9 Million Jobless
Say They're Not Just Statistic

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — In a new Gallup poll on the dehumanizing aspects of job loss, nearly 85 percent of the nation's 2.96 million unemployed said they "agreed somewhat" or "agreed strongly" with the statement, "I am not just some mind-numbing statistic."

"I think what we found quite interesting was that the overwhelming majority of respondents, 75 percent, said they were genuinely hurt by efforts to categorize and compartmentalize their difficulties," said Gallup researcher Evan Krest. "This was particularly true of women between the ages of 30 and 49, and men who have been unemployed for six months or more."

But the most empirically moving answers, Krest added, were given by the 62 percent who said they hoped the study would finally put a human face on their anonymous plight.

"One 18-to-29-year-old woman said she was a real person with a real name and real problems that could not possibly be adequately conveyed using cold-blooded numbers," he recalled. "Unfortunately, her responses were within the margin of error of plus- or minus-3 percent, so she didn't count."

Something else borrowed from TV Go Home. I know it's about four years old but I still like it.