I'M STILL 'celebrating' this site's five year anniversary. The picture to the left shows one of the obvious high points of my journalistic career so far. I'm so enamoured that I feel it should reproduce the story from that day as it appeared in the paper (complete with terrible 'local-news-speak'...). The exact date will come back to me later. Just think: I might even get those free season tickets to the zoo that I was promised.

Wild things or The Observer meets the Hamiltons by Damian

Guess who's coming to dinner? Christine and Neil Hamilton had a roaring good time at Marwell Zoological Park last week. The 'I'm a Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here' star and the 'disgraced former Conservative MP' (referred to from here on - in the interests of journalistic fairness and balance - as Neil) were at Marwell to publicise the 'Keeper For A Day' scheme which allows members of the public to get even closer to the animals than usual. Money raised by the scheme will be used to fund future projects which will be chosen by Marwell's own keepers.

I was due to meet the celebrity couple for a photo opportunity at Marwell's tiger enclosure. Through a mixture of luck and instinct (OK, just luck) I managed to grab a lift with Marc Fox, a very helpful chap and – luckily for me – Marwell's big cat keeper. It was also fortuitous that I met him, as nobody could get anywhere near the tigers without his say so. This meant that I got to the Hamiltons before the rest of the press pack, allowing me to spend some quality time with them and the big cats.

Following the Hamiltons into the tigers' feeding area, I watched open-mouthed as Neil mused aloud: "I really want to touch their claws." Noticing that keeper Marc sensibly wore some seriously sturdy-looking gauntlets when dealing with the animals up close, I was about to attempt to draw attention to Neil's folly when his wife rebuked him. "Darling, don't do anything silly," she chimed, with some understatement bearing in mind that these magnificent animals can put away 15 kilos of meat a day. I found it more than a little worrying to think that Mr H had at one time been responsible for making decisions on behalf of the nation. I still do.

Your correspondent felt obliged to pose for a few photos with the Hamiltons, in the interests of extending the hand of friendship and as much for their archives as mine. As the shutter clicked, Christine declared: "Now our little family is complete!" I said I'd give it some thought. Joking apart (and I’m not sure she was), it should be pointed out here that throughout the afternoon they were charm personified and no question or request went unheeded. Somewhat bonkers they may be, but disarmingly honest and very accommodating with it.

Christine clearly loved the whole experience. She told me she'd been mucking out the giraffes, feeding a (literal) menagerie of other animals and really getting stuck in, heaving bales of straw and following the keepers on their rounds. "Neil was mucking out the stables at nine this morning. It's what it's all about. Absolutely wonderful," she enthused. "Marwell is a fantastic place and I hope many will be tempted to share my experience and become Keeper for a Day – after all, you can only be eaten once!"

There was little chance of getting eaten by the giraffes, our last stop of the day. They only had eyes for the buckets full of bananas that our honorary zookeepers were feeding them, watched by a slightly bemused crowd of paying customers. Exactly what Neil had in mind when he proffered his tongue to one of our long-necked friends we'll probably never know. This is doubtless for the best.

"Keeper for a Day" is available to members of the public at Marwell. Full details and costs are available from 01962 777965.

HAPPY 5TH BIRTHDAY!

JUST a quick entry for any new friends of this site who may just be dipping their toes into the waters:

This place was never really supposed to have a theme when I started out (back in the day this were all fields etc.) It was just meant to be somewhere for me to blather on about my experience of stuff and nonsense, anything that popped into the old noggin plus gubbins from the internet, the news and elsewhere (you know, popular culture and all that malarkey, music, videogames). A little more focus (and effort) may have catapulted BloodyGravity into the position of respected cultural commentator (you may have got see me pop up after Paul Morley on Channel Four's '100 Greatest Hat-Wearing Pop Stars' or something) but focus was always a bit thin on the ground as, in turn, were regular readers. (Note to self: one slacker will struggle to attract a legion of other slackers and even if he did, what then?)

Having said that, and looking back over the last five year's worth of entries, there does appear to be a thread of sorts - even taking into account some of the more straight-jacketed writing (that was for a local newspaper) and some of the stuff which was just done for catharsis (about leaving my position at said newspaper).

I mention all this because as of April BloodyGravity will be five years old and that's as good a reason as any to get reinvigorated. With the launch of the Chico Mendez website the possibility of building that elusive media empire looks, well, more possible.

Perhaps the best way to leave you on this fine Bank Holiday Monday is with a reproduction of the very first post on this august online publication. So here it is, much like digging up the Blue Peter time capsule (note to readers outside the UK: if you want to know what the Blue Peter time capsule is, get in touch and ask me; I assure you that your newly acquired knowledge will make the last line magically become funny):

Thursday, April 24, 2003

Welcome!

Here it is: the new home of my rants. But don't let that put you off. I have so many wonderful things to share. It's an exciting time right now. Let's have a quick update: Saints have made it to the FA Cup final in May, which is great if you like that sort of thing. Which I do. And I'm enjoying the last few months of my twenties, which has it's own...merits, I suppose. And I have it on good authority that a weblog can be a good way to avoid writer's block, which is great for me because I've had that nearly all my life.

Posted by Damian at 2:03 PM 0 comments

IT'S FINALLY happened. Chico Mendez and the Eling Allstars have gone live with their website, lovingly cobbled together by myself.

Right now it's hosted on some free server or other so the address isn't as catchy as we'd like but it will very soon be moving to a permanent home (www.chicomendez.co.uk) just as soon as 'Mr Internet' (Carl) gets a few technical creases ironed out.

Get your eyes and ears over there on the double and let me know what you think. You can email the band from the 'contact us' page and tuck into a selection of our music in the 'downloads' area, surprisingly enough. Rest assured there's plenty more to come from the band and their spiffing new online presence in the coming weeks. Listen responsibly.

The BBC: Worth every penny of the license fee. I thought you would like this public interest reporting at its best:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/tyne/7304452.stm

Thanks to Matthew (a.k.a. Flash!) for this one.

Here are my thoughts on the Sport Relief mile at the weekend:What a load of cobblers. All I could see was a few hundred people pushing their kids around the park while the police looked on, happy in the knowledge that it was the softest double time they'd ever earned. I mean, it was hardly going to kick off was it? Worse than that I think it fosters the notion in people that they are doing some real good. Allow me to address a couple of falsehoods.

Point One: Fat kids in sportswear with their fat parents (a sweeping generalisation but necessary for this argument) WALKING around the park for 35 minutes or so (ooh a whole mile. Seriously, what good is that going to do them?) are not going to become health freaks just because of Sport Relief. Fact. The danger here is falsely inflating the value of their frankly laughable efforts, consequently skewing their expectations of exercise, charity and life in general (OK, the last one is a bit harder to argue but I'm always up for trying).

Point Two: The police overtime bill will very likely exceed the money raised and by some margin. Factor in the inherent costs of organising the event, producing the 'runner's' numbers, printed promotional material, admin, wages and all the rest of it. Then send what's left to some African nation where a fantastically corrupt government will spend the lot on building some gaudy ego palace while the kids continue to starve and drink filthy water, if they're lucky. Then send the BBC out with all their gear and the huge bill that accompanies that (footed by the license payer) to show us what a lot of good that particular walk around the park is doing in the wider world while the aforementioned dodgy regime stage-manage every second of the trip.

Discuss. (mini-rant over)

Lots to get through today but before we get to any of that, here's a little something about music, stupid Tories and that kind of stuff to keep you amused. Thankyou Jon Harris. And Paul Weller. (Just for the record, what's really odd about typing this at 'work' is that my employer blocks access to blogs or personal sites but I can still post entries, even if it is done in a bit of a rush. Work that one out if you can...)

I've just seen a poster advertising 'international medium' Tony Stockwell's forthcoming appearance at Southampton Guildhall. You may not have heard of him if you don't watch Living TV, whatever the hell that is (apparently he's their resident hokus blokus or some such).

I hadn't heard until I saw a recent flyer touting him as 'Britain's most accurate medium', a quote from the Daily Mail, no less. To me that's a bit like celebrating 'Britain's most literate cockroach' - a moot point you'll have to agree, especially if you share my opinion of so-called psychics and the like (several strata below sub-human scum. Need I go on?)

Anyway, should you have the dubious pleasure of checking his website - as I've just done in the name of research - you'll be confronted with one creepy looking fellow, not entirely unlike an estate agent (I daresay the skills are transferable: lying to confused vulnerable suckers for cash) or a freakier version of Rhydian from X Factor (what else do you think I do on a cold winter Saturday night?).

Really keen acolytes can "join Tony at one of Warwickshire’s most renowned and exclusive hotels for an unforgettable Evening of Clairvoyance and a unique opportunity to share a 3 course dinner."

So that's a course each for Tony and his two fans. If only. I bet there's loads of them. I'm reminded one time I witnessed one of these TV psychics performing a bit of cold reading on an audience. It went something like this:

"I'm getting the name John. Does the name John mean anything to anyone here?"
Someone says yes, funnily enough.
"And John had a dog, didn't he."
No, he didn't have a dog.
"OK, it was a picture of a dog. I'm seeing a picture."
No, they don't recall a picture of a dog.
"Sure, sure. But I'm definitely seeing a picture... somewhere in his house."
Yes, yes! He had a picture in his house. John had a picture!
"Well he wants you to know he's fine and heaven is great."

No further questions.

Bloody Gravity: It's not just there for the nasty things in life liked a blocked drain or a leaky roof; it's there for the nicer things too. (This means you'll have to wait for my article on new music...)

Today marks the start of my latest project: I am about to unveil to the world (and myself) as a writer in possession of white-hot talent and the self-belief to realise that very talent to make some money. I need to get a whole new working life and it starts here. (More on mine so far another day. It'll be a laugh.) Call it a new year's resolution if you like. (I wouldn't: I've always avoided making any of those. I always say that if you're going to resolve to do something, you may as well do it now. In reality this has meant that I never resolve to do anything of positive consequence and end up doing nothing at all about very much.)

Anyway, before we get to any of that I'd like to return to the nicer things as promised earlier. I still plan to briefly plot out my adventures and musings from the past year for all of our delight and reading pleasure, and what better way to begin than with a few pictures. You'll see a theme... (pictures below)

We took these in Gmunden, Austria (Gabi's home town) in December 2007. Notice the indoor shot and how Gabi has clearly studied my 'look wistfully across the camera' from other photo opportunities. I will look into how to patent a look, and indeed if this is even possible.

At the Natural History Museum, London, November 2007. These will be good in the autobiography.