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Do you think you’re some kind of fucking Renaissance man just because you’ve got a few ostensibly creative applications and a shitload of money to spend on hi-tech gadgetry? Do you have any idea how many other fuckheads all over the world are, right this very minute, using precisely the same technology to produce precisely the same pedestrian results as you? Why don’t you just take all your software, all your gadgets, all your pointless, overpriced digital fuckery-foo and hurl the lot of it into the fucking sea? You’re using it to churn out shit. Get a fucking grip. You’re a cunt; you always HAVE been a cunt; you always WILL be a cunt - a useless, artless, soulless, worthless, hateful, sickening, handful-of-your-own-shit cunt-chewing cunt-eyed cunt. And your lazy, delusional stabs at creativity aren’t fooling anyone, so stop trying, Prick. The Kilroy team would like to speak to you. Call now on 07922 23591.

Three years of patchy posting to this here blog and a theme is finally emerging. Hurrah! It seems I spend far too much time trawling the internet for things to make me smile. By this I mean comedy in all its rich and varied forms, not what ever you were thinking. When I find them I often end up sticking them in the links list here, mainly so I can find them again. Yeah, I know you have favourites lists for that sort of thing but you've got to keep them organized. This smacks of effort. This way, you all get to enjoy this stuff too without having to look any further. Who knows, I may even get round to applying a little quality control in the way of brief reviews. I know funny when I see it, dammit. Perhaps I'll even make a start on that sitcom/sketch show/comedy crocheting of my own.

In the light of this, you'll see the links on the left start to expand. Sure, there's still a few things in there that don't seem to fit. I refer you to my earlier comments if this is a problem.

In addition to this mini-manifesto, if you will, I also intend to post my own observations should I experience anything amusing in the real world. First, though, I must expose myself to this real world (not in that way unless things get desperate). This is something I have largely avoided in recent weeks.

Keep it foolish...

I can hear it now... "You're not going to get a top drawer CV out to potential employers by playing with Photoshop all day, are you?"

Perhaps not. But it'll be fun trying.

Enough messing around already. In case anybody is interested here's a couple of reviews of the new Richard Ashcroft album (the website is one of those annoying affairs where everything is coming soon...). Both make for mildly amusing reading. I still like the album all the same.

Independent Friday January 20, 2006
Guardian Friday January 20, 2006

This looks like a good feature on the same subject. I'll read that now.

There you go. All comments are valued, as always.

Now that I am the proud owner of a motorized vehicle I guess it's time to learn a little about how to look after the damn thing. This, I have discovered, involves more than emptying the ashtray, kicking the tyres to see if they are squashy and having a quick look to make sure all the panels are stuck to the body in the right places.

All about podcasts.

Today we have something educational. No, don't run away. It's The Most Popular Myths In Science. Mostly interesting, although I never believed for a moment that 'Animals can predict natural disasters'. See what you think.

Spoof signs that are good for a laugh. Here.

A slight departure from the norm today as I am on a one-man campaign to cripple an insurance company that recently stung me. I will endevour, as always, to avoid swearing on this page although it's proving a tough task where these fools are concerned. Sorry, I meant fuckers.

Here's a little sample of what I sent them today:

By now I am sure you are aware that I am less than overwhelmed by the service provided by your company. The above does not even take into account the discrepancy between the quote I believed I was accepting and that which was printed on the credit agreement. Nor will I waste my time by describing to you the rude and superior attitude I experienced when dealing with the automatons manning your call centre. Needless to say I will watch my bank account carefully over the coming days to determine how much of my deposit you feel inclined to return to me, taking into account further levies of which I am currently unaware.

Having said that if I can dissuade at least one person from using your services in the future then this £40 ‘administration’ fee will not have been wasted.

I know this is not up to my usual exciting standardsn but I am doing this for you, my beloved readers. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to buy insurance of any kind from Quinn Direct. If you heed this then this will have all been worthwhile. They're based in Ireland, by the way. Just so you know there was a point to the picture above (with thanks to TV GoHome).

And the winner is...

On a more relevant note...

By Guardian Unlimited / UK news 01:01pm

Any smoker intent on quitting on New Year’s Day should think again, writes Hélène Mulholland. Don’t take it from me but heed the words issued by Ash, the lobby group set up to stop everyone from lighting up. It doesn’t appear to be a case of paradoxical intervention either. They remind us that New Year can be stressful and so why stop then?

Frankly, they may be on to something. New Year’s Eve is going to be a chokefest of fags and booze followed by a big comedown the next morning in which you’ll have time to ruminate at your leisure on to what degree you pretty much wasted most of last year. You know for a fact you’ve wasted more than enough money on tobacco to fund a first-class round-the-world air ticket - both ways. And did you really do all those things you said you were going to do last year? Hands up who scored 10 out of 10? Those that didn’t even set targets so could not possibly have failed put your hands back down.

It's New Year's Eve!

Up at the crack of noon and what better way to start the day than with a cold beer, cooked breakfast and a leisurely trawl through the archives of Satire Wire? I can't name one off the top of my head so I'll stick to what I know.

Here's a little of what they have (or had as it's not updated any longer) to offer:

85 Percent of Nation's 2.9 Million Jobless
Say They're Not Just Statistic

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — In a new Gallup poll on the dehumanizing aspects of job loss, nearly 85 percent of the nation's 2.96 million unemployed said they "agreed somewhat" or "agreed strongly" with the statement, "I am not just some mind-numbing statistic."

"I think what we found quite interesting was that the overwhelming majority of respondents, 75 percent, said they were genuinely hurt by efforts to categorize and compartmentalize their difficulties," said Gallup researcher Evan Krest. "This was particularly true of women between the ages of 30 and 49, and men who have been unemployed for six months or more."

But the most empirically moving answers, Krest added, were given by the 62 percent who said they hoped the study would finally put a human face on their anonymous plight.

"One 18-to-29-year-old woman said she was a real person with a real name and real problems that could not possibly be adequately conveyed using cold-blooded numbers," he recalled. "Unfortunately, her responses were within the margin of error of plus- or minus-3 percent, so she didn't count."

Something else borrowed from TV Go Home. I know it's about four years old but I still like it. 

I have attempted to enable comments on this site employing all of my technical nous (not to be confused with technical mouse - a miraculous pet we could all do with sometimes). Let me know if it works by sending a comment. Easy.

Gabi, my beautiful and wise girlfriend, has started writing a diary. Needless to say it is not for my eyes. This obviously makes me curious as to its contents. In the light of this, what follows is how imagine the early entries.

Friday 23 December

Dear Diary (OK, not the most original intro ever...)

Damian is a d*ck.
He upset me today.

I hate him.

Saturday 24 December

Dear Diary

Damian annoyed me today.
He is always very grumpy.

I hate him.

More as it comes in.

I've just rediscovered TV Go Home. If you've never had the pleasure then take a closer look at the image above and see what you think. It makes me laugh out loud when I am alone. I think of this as a good thing. Let me know what you think (of the site, that is. I don't want to know what else goes on in your head). Meanwhile, I have been shamelessly rifling through their links so I can bring you such gems as this from Bubblegun:


TOP TEN FAMOUS LAST WORDS

10. "I bet you fifty quid I can shoot myself in the face and survive."
9. "That hole’s not so deep."
8. "Hahaha! Driving down the wrong side of the motorway while drunk is great."
7. "Don’t be stupid. There’s no such thing as lions."
6. "Ooh, look - the snake wants a kiss!"
5. "This electric fire should make my bath water warmer..."
4. "Heh heh. They’ll never find me if I hide in this air-tight box."
3. "Auto-erotic asphyxiation is great!"
2. "Shut-up. I AM Superman. Just watch."
1. "Wheeeeeeeeeeee!"

If you would like to add to this list, email your suggestions for my consideration. Or, better still, use the new comment system to have a say. Go on.

There hasn't been much activity round here of late but that's all set to change. Allow me to bring Dead Brain to your attention. No, not my dead brain. You don't want to see that. It's a website that's a bit like The Onion for the UK.

Anyway, it appears that satire is not dead, as is often said.

Yeah. So don't even think about upsetting me.

Welcome back.
And Merry Christmas, if of course you go for that sort of thing.

On this day I must bring this site to your attention for a number of reasons. Many of the entries are funny, and funny is good. Also, the top listing (at the time of writing) is by Mark so it's only right to publicize it. You'll find that here if you're interested. Which of course you are.

Also worth a look (or listen) is the weekly podcast by Ricky Gervais. They're up to number three now and I've been laughing along with them, random as it is.

Right now the wider world beckons. Meanwhile if you find any worthwhile stuff on your travels be sure to send it this way.

Shatner does 'Rocketman'
Now there's a potentially litigious splash headline if ever there was. I was just browsing some dusty old bookmarks and came across this gem courtesy of the nice people at I-am-bored.com

On the eve of Live8, when we're bound to be 'treated' to a few songs from Sir Elton this seems to have some resonance. I think. I cannot recommend this enough. If you are bored, that is.

 

In a recent discussion with friends we tackled the tricky question of why I haven't seen ITV's new comedy sketch show Monkey Trousers. The less than tricky answer is that it's on ITV. Rather than launch into a rant about why this is so, I'll allow Charlie Brooker to provide a clue:

"It's easy to see why ITV's audience has collapsed. Having spent years relentlessly pursuing the lowest common denominator, it's inadvertently become a specialist channel for the very, very thick, while its traditional audience (the slightly thick) is now openly courted by Channel 4."


And that's without getting started on the Big Brother 'phenomenon'. I'll add my pint of bile to that topic on another day when I can give it the treatment it deserves. Don't tell me that if I don't like it I can turn it off. I already do that and I still don't like it.

Back to ITV. You've only got to check out the cast list for the aforementioned Monkey Trousers to guess that it ought to be good comedy. Good comedy I like. So is it a form of snobbery that prevents me from watching? No. Well, not just that. By tuning in to ITV, you guarantee its future, as they deliver the audience (us) to their advertisers (scum). And you thought it was about providing programming? Still at least we've got ITV2 and 3 now. What bounty!

An interesting piece in today's Guardian G2 about the ongoing file sharing debate. There's a particular bit that got me, bearing in mind that I believe the record 'industry' is the architect of its own problems:

"...the decline of the CD is a more intriguing tale than it may at first seem. Album sales actually reached a record high in the UK in 2003; it's singles that have suffered the biggest catastrophe."

A few years back, the BPI decreed that for a single to be included in the singles chart it could not contain more than two tracks (it might be three: sue me. They're doing it to everyone else). Before this, artists could choose to give the buying public a bit of added value in the form of extra tracks, material that didn't make it to the final album, live stuff etc. Oasis used to do it (in fact they even managed to squeeze a pretty damn good album out of B-sides by getting fans to vote for their favourites. The Masterplan turned out to be better that anything they've produced since, but I digress...) This practice could be traced back through a number of other big bands (not least The Smiths).

Then one day you find yourself picking up a CD single, scanning its contents (2 tracks) then its price (usually £2.99 minimum) and comparing this unfavourably with the £10 or so you'd pay for 12 to 14 tracks on the album a week later. Bear in mind this was before mp3s were everywhere. We all did the maths and stopped buying singles altogether. Simple. As soon as the pony-tailed, Porsche-driving, coke-snorting, penthouse suite-dwelling record executives began to feel the squeeze from this crappy bit of legislation they devised a solution which Stalin would have been proud of (perhaps a little OTT): blame Napster, release the hounds and sue 14-year-olds for every penny their bewildered parents can raise.

A slight shift from the orthodox 'Home taping is killing music' argument.

Stop messing around...